I had a great conversation with one of my best and oldest friends today. I hadn’t told any of my closest friends about the miscarriage. Why? They are all(but one) the very models of fertility. They all either decided to get pregnant and were, or had oops babies. So, telling the fertile myrtle brigade that I was having problems wasn’t something I wanted to do. But it felt good to tell Baby Girl(so named because she is the youngest of us all). I am sure she will spread the news now and spare me the trouble of having to repeat the sad story again. But I did have to get off the phone with her because she starting spouting the usual platitudes:
It wans’t in God’s plan
It wasn’t God’s will
When it’s meant to happen it will…………………..
OK. I love her but………I had a vivid picture of slamming her head against the wall over and over and over again…………
So, my temps went waaaaaay down this morning. So, I am still waiting.
I am tired already, and it’s only my first month back at this. I am seriously considering stopping the madness and just letting things happen as they will. For a period of time that is. No charting, no OPKs, no nothing. Just lots of regular “for no reason” sex with C-Dub. Maybe. If we feel like it. Maybe for 6 months. Maybe.
I say this now, but will I be able to follow through? I know for a fact that I will wake up tomorrow morning, roll over and stick that thermometer in my mouth. I know I will get out that OPK and pray and hope for a smiley face. I know I will be checking toilet paper for cervical mucous all day. I know in the back of my mind whenever C-Dub and I do the do, I will be thinking….”will the sperm meet the egg today?”
But maybe next month, I can wean myself off of this obsession.
For 6 months.
I can do that.
I can walk away.