I was just having a moment reading a post by Baby Smiling. Why do infertiles/women who have had trouble staying or getting pregnant, feel so guilty when we do? Why do we feel guilty for complaining about feeling bad? I try to be so grateful for every pregnancy symptom reminding myself that they all mean that the Baby Bean is still kicking. But I hate feeling guilty. But I can’t help it. I want to shout with joy and be like any other regular normal woman and just complain and not be afraid. I want to be oblivious to everything that can happen. I just want to enjoy being pregnant. But I can’t.
I am afraid almost every minute of the day that I will go to the bathroom(like last time) and see pink on the toilet paper. I am afraid that in 2 weeks I will go to my 1st ob appointment, and there will be nothing.
I try not to wallow in these thoughts consciously. But they lurk behind that door in my mind that sometimes swings open and lets them out. And I don’t know how to stop it.
But for today……
I am pregnant today.
Today, I am pregnant.
Please God. Let me stay that way.