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Normal

So I had my 2 week followup appointment today.  Everything seems to be “back to normal.”  Whatever “normal” is.   My bleeding has basically slowed, gone bye bye, just some occasional spotting.  Dr K tried his best to reassure me that this was probably just a fluke.  That everything was OK and that since I had proven that I can get pregnant, I should be pregnant again soon.  He said he would like for me to have at least one AF before I start TTC again.  He gave me the reason for it(ie uterine lining needs to build back up for a bean to implant in), but stated that he has seen women come in without waiting pregnant again. 

Well. I never thought I’d say it, but BRING ON AF!

I was browsing my google reader and came across a post from Tara over at Divine Secrets of the Infertility Sisterhood.   She had copied a daily devotional that really hit home for me.  It was basically about waiting on God and his plan for our lives.  It was something I needed to read this morning while I was feeling down in the dumps about the miscarriage and C-Dub being laid off.  I keep asking why, why me? why us? why now?   Is this a test? What are we supposed to be learning?  Help me to understand!  It’s almost been a month, and I still don’t have answers.  I still don’t understand.  How do I move on without answers or understanding?  How do I go on and be happy again?  Sure, I smile, I even laugh.  But underneath, I feel like if I let my guard down for just a minute, I will break into a million pieces.  I’m tired of feeling like this.  I want to go back to feeling happy and free and hopeful!

So for now, I am waiting on God to show me the plan. 

Patience has never been one of my strong points.

  • Reply
    Cara
    December 21, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    The plans that God has and the choices we make within them are not often easy to see, or understand.

    I’m not very patient either. Working on it and trying to just live for the day.

  • Reply
    Michelle
    December 21, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could say something that would take it all away. ((HUGS))

  • Reply
    Courtney
    December 21, 2008 at 7:47 pm

    I’ve often wondered why my plan and God’s plan don’t go the same direction. It’s quite frustrating. I have issues with patience as well (when it comes to my personal life), but we just keep walking. I hope something comes soon to give you a bit of strength, if only for a moment. ((hugs))

    ICLW

  • Reply
    Mel
    December 21, 2008 at 7:57 pm

    I’m so glad to hear that your (physical) healing is progressing…be sure to take all the time you need to process this loss. I’m so sorry you had to endure that pain.

    If you discover the secret to learning to lean on God and wholly trust in His plans for our life, would you let me in on it too? 🙂 I always need reminders to be patient.

    Have a blessed Christmas!
    ICLW

  • Reply
    Kischa
    December 22, 2008 at 11:44 am

    I know it’s hard, I often question God’s plans for our TTC journey as well, especially when my sister seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. But I continue to trust in God and know that whatever He has in store for my life will be well worth the wait.

    Hear my daily prayer:
    “Lord please allow me to rejoice in your perfect timing, especially when I don’t understand it”

    ICLW

  • Reply
    Tracy Gonsalves
    December 22, 2008 at 11:50 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. May God bless you in this difficult time. I hope you have a wonderful holiday! ((HUGS))

    ICLW

  • Reply
    kMo
    December 22, 2008 at 4:21 pm

    hello. Thanks for the ICLW comment on my blog. I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been going through. I went to an Infertility Support Group meeting earlier this month and one of the things that stuck with me was what one of the girls said about God’s plan. Sometimes his plan for someone else requires us to go through a rough patch. Sometimes His plans require a little bit of sacrifice from us. We just have to trust (I know it’s hard) that what’s meant to be will happen.

  • Reply
    birdsandsquirrels
    December 22, 2008 at 9:16 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I just had a miscarriage a week ago, and my RE let me jump right back in to another cycle since my loss was so early. Now I’m finally feeling the anger and wondering if I made a mistake not taking a break. I wish you peace during this very difficult time.

    ICLW

  • Reply
    katery
    December 22, 2008 at 9:20 pm

    ohhhhhh, i HATE the “at least we know you can get pregnant” speech! sorry to hear about your loss 🙁
    iclw

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