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stream of consciousness Sunday

Stream of Consciousness Sunday

soc sunday daddy-3

 

 

I have been trying to figure out what to/how to write about the death of my father here in this space.  But the words won’t come.  I thought that maybe doing a stream of consciousness post would compel me to write something profound or meaningful but nothing. My timer has gone off twice and I still have no words to write here.  It’s weird how even when you have been expecting something, when it comes, you are still stunned. You go through the motions of accepting condolences, making arrangements, accepting food, gifts, cards with grace. But it all seems so …surreal I guess is the word.  It doesn’t seem…real. It seems like a dream, or one of those scenarios I sometimes make up in my head, thinking about “what would you do?”  I know he is gone, I was there when he took his last breath. I helped pick out his casket, we helped pick out a suit, photos for the program, the Omega pin for his suit, made sure he looked nice in his casket the night before the funeral. But it still didn’t/doesn’t seem real.

I haven’t cried…which seems…doubly strange to me. I am an intensely emotional person.  I will cry at commercials for goodness sake. But crying for my Daddy is something I’ve done a lot of for the last year. I think I’m all cried out.

My mother keeps busy, it is her way of coping. I watch her and make sure she is resting, and eating, and taking care of herself, and I think that is mine.

I took one final photo of my father and I holding hands.  By the time I reached him the night before he died, he was not aware, I don’t think, of anything that was going on around him. The nurse had left him morphine over night and I had been giving it to him in regular intervals. I would talk to him as I gave it saying, here you go, this will help you breathe a little better. This will help the pain…

His hand was twitching,movements that as a nurse, I know are involuntary, but as a daughter it said: hold my hand.

I held his hand.

And I told him it was OK. I said: it’s OK Daddy, I know you are tired. I know you are ready to go. We will miss you, but we understand.

He kept squeezing my hand…..

And I took a photo.

I don’t know if I will ever share that photo.

But I will keep it, and print it out and save it.

Because it’s my last photo with my Daddy.

 

 

  • Reply
    Liesel
    December 27, 2015 at 10:35 am

    This was beautiful. I love you so very much!

  • Reply
    Quiana
    December 27, 2015 at 11:12 am

    This was perfect LaShawn. Continuing to send love.

  • Reply
    Taya
    December 27, 2015 at 11:18 am

    The words will come when it’s time for them to come. There are so many things that I write in my journal and will probably never share. Preparing for the death of a parent, especially as a daddy’s girl is about as surreal as it gets. Say what you can, when you can or don’t. Whatever feels right as you work to be as ok as possible. Never again the same you, without him, but a different, wounded beautiful version of yourself. Please cherish that last pic. I love you.

  • Reply
    Camesha
    December 27, 2015 at 11:24 am

    Beautiful. Simply beautiful. Sending you so much love, my dear. ??

  • Reply
    krissy
    December 27, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    The words will come love. But these words were beautiful.

  • Reply
    Mimi
    December 27, 2015 at 1:47 pm

    For me there was a long period before that cry came. Feels like months, it was when life settled back into normalcy and I realized I had a new norm that it hit me. Losing a parent is hard, one piece of knowledge I give you have traveled this road is to cry when you feel it, don’t hold it because it will catch up with you eventually.

    Prayers are with you and your family as you embrace this new normal.

  • Reply
    kita
    December 27, 2015 at 3:05 pm

    I didn’t cry when my mother died either. I was so busy being lowkey mad that God would take my mother. Why couldn’t he take someone else mother who weren’t doing their motherly duties. It took me a while to get over that once I did I cried and it caught up to me. Hold on to that picture for your keepsake, frame it and make copies of it so that you will have it forever. I didn’t get any pictures of my mother in her last days and I regret that which is why I got into photography so that I can capture that moment for others to hold on too. Special days will have you thinking about the past but try to hold the good close to you and enjoy life no matter what comes your way.

  • Reply
    Candace
    December 27, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    The words will come and even if they don’t make it to the blog your heart will hear them and heal a little. These words were perfect and that photo is now PRICELESS! I don’t know if I would’ve even think to have my camera but thank God you did, sending you all the hugs! Cry when you need to and smile at every memory always.

    • Reply
      LaShawn
      December 27, 2015 at 9:34 pm

      i didn’t take my Canon. I deliberately left it, but I had my phone. like I always say, the best camera is the one with you.

  • Reply
    Chasing Joy
    December 27, 2015 at 5:44 pm

    Oh, LaShawn. I have been where you are and felt similarly. Not the same as nothing can compare to your relationship with your dad just as nothing can compare to my relationship with mine. Take comfort in the fact that love lasts forever and you will always feel his love for you. I’m glade you have the photo. The tears will come if and when they need too. (((Hugs)))

  • Reply
    Bre
    December 28, 2015 at 8:11 pm

    I knew you were having a hard week but I didn’t know. So sorry. All the eHugs to you hon.

  • Reply
    Joyce Brewer (@MommyTalkShow)
    January 3, 2016 at 4:17 pm

    Tears. I’m glad you shared this.

    One thing that comforts me now since I lost my Daddy four years ago is that he still comes to me in my dreams.
    His voice is very comforting.
    I never realize in my dreams that my Father IS dead. I just enjoy doing whatever the experience is that we’re doing together.

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