Today, my precious pookah is 2 weeks old.
I find it hard to believe that I have been someone’s Momma for 2 weeks!
And while it has not been all roses, I am so in love with my little one.
It is hard for me to admit that it hasn’t been perfect. For over two years, I have dreamed and plotted and planned to be a mother. You would think that with all my planning, research, yearning, and anticipating, everything would be while not perfect, as close to it as it can get.
But that’s not reality.
I am trying not to let my jobless state intrude on this time, but I must. It’s two weeks in, and I really need to go back to work in January. This means I have to start the process of looking for, applying for and interviewing for jobs. When my baby is just 2 weeks old. It makes me almost physically ill to think of going to work and leaving my baby somewhere in a mere 4 weeks. My parents have basically moved in and taken over. On the one hand, I am so grateful for the selfless sacrifice of leaving their home and basically setting up shop at mine. I mean, they buy all the groceries, they cook all the meals, they clean, they wash clothes, they hold the baby while I sleep, the give us money for half of the mortgage with the promise that they can give us the whole thing next month.
It’s enough to send me over the edge.
I can’t count how many times I have broken down and cried in the last two weeks. In joy as I look down at CJ’s face, or watch C-Dub be the amazing father I only dreamed he would be; in gratitude for my parents, in frustration at my situation, and in despair as I prepare to go back to work.
But I can’t live off of my parents forever. There is something SO wrong with that scenario.
Since i started writing this post(about 4 hours ago) I have secured an interview with a recruiter at one of the hospitals here. It’s a night-time position :(. Part time or either PRN(as needed). I will see what the pay is vs the commitment needed. I’m trying to work as little as possible for as much money as I can.
(Sign). This is so depressing.
I just want to stay home with my baby and not have to worry about this.