I am……………unsure of what to say.
I was doing fine, then suddenly, I started bleeding much more heavily and it just hit me.
I am no longer pregnant.
I keep trying to move on, to “get over it.” But I seem to keep getting smacked upside the head with it.
I work in freakin Labor and Delivery. My patient today was having her 5th baby. Happily. She wanted to tie her tubes becuase she said(and I quote here) “I don’t want no more of these damn babies. I am too damn fertile.” Ok. Not even one hour later, I delivered a woman on her 3rd. Oh happy joy joy
Several of my co-workers are pregnant. And complain about everything. I really just want to scream, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” But I just walk away.
My cousin’s girlfriend(the one he beats and she keep coming back for more) calls me to chit chat about how she doesn’t want to be pregnant anymore, and why can’t it just come out? She’s 33 weeks. When I explain about possible NICU stays and everything, she still wants the baby out, and proceeds to talk a hole in my head about the baby this and the baby that. And she knows I just had my D&C on Friday.
I am physically(hey, I’m bleeding like a good period here.) and emotionally worn out.
I even think I am becoming a little depressed.
I can’t sleep, I can cry at the drop of a hat.
I feel like a wrung out wet wash cloth. Just limp.
My mother says this too shall pass, and that’s it’s only been a few days really since the D&C. I should give myself some slack. It just seems so much longer.
I feel like I whine whine whine.
So, whenever family, friends, co-workers or C-Dub ask me if I am OK, I say, yes. I am just fine.
Maybe if I keep saying it, it will become my reality.