I thought things couldn’t get much worse.
I was wrong.
I don’t think I’ll be blogging much for a while.
C-Dub needs all of my attention.
Right under my nose, he’s been going down hill. Right under my nose.
Last night, he told me that he had thought about killing himself that day.
He tells me this at 2am. After he spent the whole afternoon snapping at me and then giving me the silent treatment.
Finally, I gave up, and just went to bed. Once he decides to give me the silent treatment, I can most of the time talk him out of it. But I wasn’t in the mood last night.
So at 2 am, he wakes me up, trying to have sex. I’m like, wait, hold up, up you weren’t even speaking to me and now you want me to just roll over and let you go for it?
Then, we rehash the old “you never treat me like a man, you never listen to me, you never value my opinion” argument.
I’m tired of this argument. Because it’s not true. Never has been. But since December(when he got laid off) this has been his argument. I’m starting to believe there is something to it.
Then, he complains that all I do is come home and go to sleep. Well, I know that. I’ve been so tired. I think I’m depressed too. It’s bad to have two depressed people in a household.
Who supports who?
But anyway, back to the 2 am wake up call.
Finally, the argument winds down and he just out of the blue says it:
“Today I thought about killing myself.”
He feels like a failure as a man. He keeps saying:
“You don’t need me.”
“What am I contributing?”
“What use am I?”
“I feel like I’m a failure?”
No matter how much I protest, we always come back to this.
I’m fighting the battles, but loosing the war.
Our couple’s counseling is not until March 25th. That’s 12 days from now.
We both need help.
He has an uncle who just lost his mind one day. Bipolar. C-Dub thinks he might end up that way.
I can’t even conceive thinking about TTC now. Bringing a baby into the world with us as parents right now would not be a good thing. NOT a good idea.
So. As much as it pains me:
I’m going to stop TTC.
Put it on hold.
The added stress will can break the camel’s back.
Maybe if I hadn’t been so wrapped up in ME and what I want, I might have seen that my sweetheart, my world, my life was drowning.
So, you might not hear from me for a while. I might not comment on your blogs. I might read, but maybe not I’ve got to put my marriage first for a while.
Please, if you pray, pray for us. If you hope, hope for us. If you cross your fingers……….
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