You know, I’m trying to put things into perspective here.
Today was a bad day.
I dreamed this morning that I was holding my baby in my arms. I woke up, quietly cried in the bathroom, peed on a stick, saw the negative and tried to move on. My “trainers” at work were both missing in action. I started the day in a state of confusion, not knowing what to do. I acted very excited for two patients today who discovered that they were pregnant. With twins. I answered the “so do you have kids” question calmly and reasonably, twice. I checked my underwear every 5 minutes for signs of the witch. Just out of curiosity, I talked to an adoption agency today who said, “$25000 for a white baby but $5000 for a black one.” I made a payment of my credit card and the balance still made me want to choke. C-Dub had the nerve to question the fact that I decided not to go to the gym. I worked all day, came home, cooked and cleaned up. Even though there was somebody home all day. I got off of Facebook after way too many people had babies as their profile pictures. I read Murgdan’s Blog and was sadly reminded of the trials and tribulations of baby making sex vs making love. And the fact that I haven’t felt like “makin love” in god knows how long. Wow. I peed on four sticks in the last 4 days and they all said negative in their own funky little ways. Aunt Flow has still not arrived.
I’m trying to be positive today, and look on the bright side. Trying to get past adversity. But reality keeps smacking me in the ass:
I’m not pregnant.
I have gained 20 pounds.
My husband doesn’t have a job.
We fight all the time over stupid things, and big things, and nothing.
I really have no interest in sex. Unless it’s to make a baby.
If we have to move on to IUI, IVF, or anything like that, I can’t afford to do a damn thing about it.
I am tired.
I can’t sleep.
I think I’m depressed.