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A new day.

Friday, I made C-Dub cry. 

I admit that I have been self absorbed these last few weeks.  It’s been all about me me me.  I thought, no I expected C-Dub to support me and understand and that was that.  But I never really considered him beyond that.  That  makes me a bad wife I am sure, but in the moment, that is how I was feeling.

I would catch him watching me every now and then, but I didn’t really think about it.  Friday, he called me and said, “we are going out tonight.”  I was like, we are?  A friend of his was having a small get together at their house.  They are nice people, younger than us, but still nice.  Very religious.  And they have a 6 month old.  I wasn’t in the mood.  But, I grudgingly said OK and proceeded to pout and moan and groan my way into getting ready.  In the mist of my tantrum, I looked over and C-Dub had tears in his eyes.  WTF?!?!?! 

I immediately stopped and was like , what is wrong???? I can’t take it if he cries!  He said, he had been crying all day.  It seems that he has way too much empathy.  He said he has been trying to make me happy and to cheer me up, but he couldn’t take it anymore that I was just so sad and there was nothing he could do about it.  Of course then I start crying too. 

It was a sad moment, but it made me realize that it’s not just about me.  So I stopped bitching, got dressed, and we went to the party/get together.

It was actually OK.  It was good to get out of the house and focus on something else.  C-Dub and I killed the competition in Spades.  I had to curb my usual foul mouth trash talking( there was gospel music playing in the background). But we remained  the spades champs.  Food was good too.  By the time we left, I felt lighter, happier, more optimistic.  The only place I have been the last few weeks outside of my house is work.  And work reminds me of my loss.  But the party helped me focus on others, on life. 

When I had to go to work on Saturday, I found was less bitter, I was able to honestly talk to some of my co-workers about how I was feeling without choaking up.  I was able to get through a conversation with my mother without crying.   And I remembered how much I love my hubby.  He is wonderful!!!!!  And as soon as I am off of pelvic rest…………….well you get the point.

I feel good today.  I haven’t been able to say that in a while.  I know I will continue to have an occasional bad day, but I feel better. I feel like I can breathe.  I feel like I can maybe be happy again.

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  • Reply
    December 14, 2008 at 8:12 pm

    Girl, I think we’re on the same page in life!

    I have suffered with night terrors since I was a child. Saturday morning Shug woke me up from a night terror. I started crying that I wanted a baby and how it’s not fair that we aren’t parents. I cried so hard that he started crying.

    We have done this before, but it was different this time. It felt like it was a cleansing cry. We got it out all. We said everything that we’ve been wanting to say. It felt so good to get it all out and be done with it.

    We’ll get through this my friend. We’re blessed with men that truly love and care about us. And God will see us through…*big hug*

  • Reply
    December 14, 2008 at 8:22 pm

    I’ve never had this with hubby, but I’m glad that C-Dub was able to show you his feelings about how helpless he’s been feeling. It’s a good step on the road to healing. For both of you.

  • Reply
    December 23, 2008 at 11:05 am

    That’s so sweet. I find myself doing the same thing sometimes…thinking of me, me, me. It’s easy to do when it’s your body that’s being poked, prodded and violated. It’s sweet that he’s so empathetic and I’m glad you went out and were able to enjoy things.


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