Guess who came to visit? YES! AF!!!!
I have never been so happy to see her in all my life. Like I told C-Dub, this means my body is back to normal( well, you know what I mean!) This means that I can actively TTC!!!
In a way I am excited, and in a way, I am dreading it. I hate TTC. I hate waking up and remembering to stick a thermometer in my mouth. I hate checking my underwear every 5 minutes to try and see what kind of mucous I am getting. I hate sticking my own fingers up my va-jay jay! I hate OPK’s and the 2WW and the 1WW and the constant “am I?” I hate hate POAS! I hate stalking my own chart and others like it! I HATE IT, HATE IT HATE IT!
But on the other hand, the possibility, the excitement, the feeling that I am actively doing something! That I have some sort of control is wonderful.
But I am so scared. What if I don’t succeed again? What if it takes me another whole year? What if I TTC for another year and nothing happens? What is the last time was the only time? What if it was a fluke? What if something is wrong with one of us? Or, what if I miscarry again?
I don’t think I could take it. I don’t think my marriage could.
Anyway, I’m going down for a shot of tequila. Surely, that will put everything into perspective here.