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late night ramblings

I was just having a moment reading a post by Baby Smiling.  Why do infertiles/women who have had trouble staying or getting pregnant, feel so guilty when we do?  Why do we feel guilty for complaining about feeling bad?  I try to be so grateful for every pregnancy symptom reminding myself that they all mean that the Baby Bean is still kicking.  But I hate feeling guilty.  But I can’t help it.  I want to shout with joy and be like any other regular normal woman and just complain and not be afraid.  I want to be oblivious to everything that can happen.  I just want to enjoy being pregnant.  But I can’t.

I am afraid almost every minute of the day that I will go to the bathroom(like last time) and see pink on the toilet paper.  I am afraid that in 2 weeks I will go to my 1st ob appointment, and there will be nothing.

Nothing.

Again.

I try not to wallow in these thoughts consciously.  But they lurk behind that door in my mind that sometimes swings open and lets them out.  And I don’t know how to stop it.

But for today……

I am pregnant today.

Today, I am pregnant.

Please God.  Let me stay that way.

Please.

Another 2 week wait.
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