On the rocks?

Well, the vampire book was……..Hmmmmm. It was good, I suppose, but kind of…..I don’t know!  It had more sex than I expected, but……I don’t know. It wasn’t as good as the others.  But it was good.  It did have a good conclusion/tie up at the end. 

But speaking of reading, the big news this weekend was the fights(yes that’s plural) between C-Dub and I.

I thought I had been holding up pretty well in terms of not letting this TTC thing affect our marriage.  I think I was wrong.  It all started with a simple, pick up your socks from the living room floor.”  We escalated into a civilized fight(no screaming or hitting) that ended up with me up until 3 am cleaning the house.  Now, don’t get me wrong, he didn’t ask me to, but when I point out something to him, he likes to turn it back around on me.  So, I cleaned so he wouldn’t have any ammunition. Or so I thought.

Then, we were back to what I thought was normal this morning, until the drive to the grocery store.  We got cut off by a crazed truck and suddenly, my normally even-tempered C-Dub turned into a raging maniac!  All the way to the store.  Then, in the parking lot, then in the line to check out.  I kept quiet thinking, I have to get home safely.  When we finally got home, I asked him what was going on? what was he so mad about?  After hemming and hawing for a while, he basically said that I’ve changed, and that I:

1. ignore him(i spend all my time on the computer or reading)
2. Nag him like he is a child( hey, if the shoe fits) and 
3. Gives him the silent treatment.

Really.  Hmm. Even though I don’t think I am doing any of this, it is his perception and I tried to reassure him but like I told him, I feel like I can’t relax, like I am always going to say the wrong thing.  He is so prickly. He says we don’t go out.  I pointed out that we went out last week twice!  But, he says they were things I wanted to do.   He wants to go to the club.  The CLUB??  I AM 32 YEARS OLD!  I don’t want to go to the club anymore!  I spent from 18 to 28 clubbing as much as possible! That shit is old!  And on and on he went.  I was almost thinking, the hell with trying to have a baby with this fool, I need to get away!  But reason returned and I got how I was feeling about everything(no support from him, oblivious to the fact that something might really be wrong with one of us, I hate my job right now….you know all the good stuff).  We “made up” after lots of tears and I love you’s and let go of the petty shit. We’ll see how long the truce lasts.

But the major question I was left with was, are we really ready for a baby?  Are we really ready to take care of someone other than ourselves?I thought we were, I wanted to believe we were.  But I don’t want to be one of those women who had a baby hoping it would make her marriage better.  Not that we are in that much trouble, but it’s the principle of the matter that I am looking at.  I am confused, still a little angry, a little bitter and sad all at once.  What do I do?