Well, the vampire book was……..Hmmmmm. It was good, I suppose, but kind of…..I don’t know! It had more sex than I expected, but……I don’t know. It wasn’t as good as the others. But it was good. It did have a good conclusion/tie up at the end.
But speaking of reading, the big news this weekend was the fights(yes that’s plural) between C-Dub and I.
I thought I had been holding up pretty well in terms of not letting this TTC thing affect our marriage. I think I was wrong. It all started with a simple, pick up your socks from the living room floor.” We escalated into a civilized fight(no screaming or hitting) that ended up with me up until 3 am cleaning the house. Now, don’t get me wrong, he didn’t ask me to, but when I point out something to him, he likes to turn it back around on me. So, I cleaned so he wouldn’t have any ammunition. Or so I thought.
Then, we were back to what I thought was normal this morning, until the drive to the grocery store. We got cut off by a crazed truck and suddenly, my normally even-tempered C-Dub turned into a raging maniac! All the way to the store. Then, in the parking lot, then in the line to check out. I kept quiet thinking, I have to get home safely. When we finally got home, I asked him what was going on? what was he so mad about? After hemming and hawing for a while, he basically said that I’ve changed, and that I:
- ignore him(i spend all my time on the computer or reading)
- Nag him like he is a child( hey, if the shoe fits) and
- Gives him the silent treatment.
Really. Hmm. Even though I don’t think I am doing any of this, it is his perception and I tried to reassure him but like I told him, I feel like I can’t relax, like I am always going to say the wrong thing. He is so prickly. He says we don’t go out. I pointed out that we went out last week twice! But, he says they were things I wanted to do. He wants to go to the club. The CLUB?? I AM 32 YEARS OLD! I don’t want to go to the club anymore! I spent from 18 to 28 clubbing as much as possible! That shit is old! And on and on he went. I was almost thinking, the hell with trying to have a baby with this fool, I need to get away! But reason returned and I got how I was feeling about everything(no support from him, oblivious to the fact that something might really be wrong with one of us, I hate my job right now….you know all the good stuff). We “made up” after lots of tears and I love you’s and let go of the petty shit. We’ll see how long the truce lasts.
But the major question I was left with was, are we really ready for a baby? Are we really ready to take care of someone other than ourselves?I thought we were, I wanted to believe we were. But I don’t want to be one of those women who had a baby hoping it would make her marriage better. Not that we are in that much trouble, but it’s the principle of the matter that I am looking at. I am confused, still a little angry, a little bitter and sad all at once. What do I do?
Tuesday 5th of August 2008
What an amazingly honest post! I know exactly how you feel. I have had the same stupid arguments with my husband. Infertility somehow creeps into all aspects of married life. What works for my husband and I is to remain honest and openly communicate how we truly feel. It's not easy all the time, but communication is key.