So OK. My baby cuz did turn out to be pregnant. She took 4 tests and got 4 BFP's before she was convinced. How ironic is that? I am happy for her. I can't wait to play with her baby. But…..you know.
I was trying to explain how I feel about all of this to my mother. She believes that it will happen when it's supposed to. That whatever God's plan is, I need to sit and wait for it. I don't have that kind of faith. I do believe that God has a plan for all of us, whether we want his input or not. But that doesn't mean I accept gracefully. I have always known that when it comes to me, God has a since of humor. I never ever seem to get what I really want without a lot of hardship. I mean never. Oh, I can get a job I want easily. But hey, I'm a nurse, it's not that hard. I can put my mind into a regular plan and make it work. I sometimes think it because I am such a planner, I really believe that if i plan for something and know exactly what to do to make it work, it should work! But nothing I ever really want comes easy. I really wanted to graduate from Nursing school. That was hard. I really wanted to marry my husband, that was the fight of my life. Now, I really want a baby and ……..you see where this is going? It's only the things that can change my life forever that are really hard for me to obtain. Why is that I wonder? Is there a lesson I am supposed to learn every time that I never do? Is it even meant for me to be a mom?
Over the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to focus on other areas of my life that I think need improvement like my weight loss, getting in shape, my career, my marriage, my new house that I haven't even begun to decorate. I am really trying not to let this TTC take over my life. It's hard because I'm fine right up 'till it's time to ovulate and WHAM!, I turn into a she-monster, agonizing over something I can now do nothing about. But it's the planner in me. I can get obsessive.
All that being said, I think I am getting ready to ovulate. All the signs are there:the migraine last night, the increased appetite, the skin breakouts, the EWCM(that Musinex REALLY does work). But I am afraid to even have sex because then, I'll be expecting something that might not happen two weeks from now. It's truly a dilemma.
Lately, I've been thinking that I need a new job. Working as a Labor and Delivery nurse is sometimes the most wonderful thing in the world. But each month, after AF comes, or when I get that BFN, or when I am looking at my charts for the millionth time, it is pure hell. There are women who do drugs while pregnant, who don't want to be pregnant, who drink while pregnant, who just plain don't take care of themselves while pregnant. It is enough to make me one bitter bitch. I have to be empathetic everyday at work, and it is getting too hard. I just want to slap some of them and say, “Do you know what I would give to be where you are now?” For my sanity, I might have to give it up full time. Just one more situation…..
Well, that's enough for now. I've been to the gym, just saw more EWCM. But I'm going to try to relax this weekend and now think about any of this. I won't even look in my underwear. Maybe I won't take my temps. Maybe I'll just enjoy being a normal, married woman, going out with her husband this weekend. Maybe.