Four months in….

I don’t know where to begin.

Pookah is four months old today.  I can’t believe that I have been a Momma for that long!  He is so precious!! I love him so much!!!!

And he is driving me crazy.

He teased me Wednesday night.  He slept 7 whole hours straight.  I was in heaven.  I think he was worn out from the park outing we had with the newly formed Mom’s group I belong too.  Some girls and I from work who all have babies decided that we all needed to get out of the house and have some adult conversation.  It was nice.  I  think it was the fresh air that helped the boy sleep so well that night.  Because the next night(last night) it was back to waking up every 3 hours.  I seriously wanted to shoot myself. 

I’ve decided to go ahead and try the rice cereal.  Everytime he woke up, he was HUNGRY.  So I think he needs a little more than I can give him.  I’ve noticed that he always seems to sleep really well for C-Dub.( A fact that I am insanely jealous of.)  I think it’s because he gets more from the bottle at one time than he does from me.  He has to come back several times to me to get the same amount from the bottle.  Soooo.  Tonight, while I am at work, C-Dub will give him a bottle with cereal in it. 

And then we’ll see.

In addition to my sleep deprivation,  I am broke.

I love working part-time.  LOVE IT( even though I hate working nights).   But I am always broke.  I can’t buy the Pookah any of the things I REALLY want to get him.  Toys, activity mats, high chairs, clothes, walkers……you get the point.  He has the basics: Pampers,wipes, and clothes that his grandparents send.

I got paid today.  But when I looked in my account, I was already short $135.  Why you might ask?  That was $135 worth of overdraft charges.  From a single charge from Chick-Fila for $6.53. 

Are you shitting me?

I already didn’t have that much, but to see $135 go down the drain like that was just depressing.  Especially since I only had $200 for me until the next paycheck.  Yeah.

My birthday is coming soon.  It doesn’t look like I’ll be doing anything for it.  I don’t have any money.  This will be the first time THAT has happened in my working life.  I always reward myself for my birthday.  Always. 

Easter is coming.  I always buy a nice easter dress to wear to church and get my hair done.

Not this year.

I desperately need to get my hair done.  DESPERATELY. 

I can’t afford it.

I need to pay all of these hospital bills left over from Pookah’s birth.  No such luck, they will all now go into collections at the end of this month.

I need to pay other bills that I acquired before I got laid off last September, that I couldn’t pay because I got laid off.

No such luck, all to collections.

And I had worked so hard on my credit before all of this.  It was a beautiful number is the mid 700s. 

Now, I’m afraid to even look.

C-Dub has decided to get into real estate investment.  NOW. 

Of course, there has never been a better time to buy investment properties with the market the way it is.

But umm………

That money he is about to put down on that townhouse could easily pay off all the hospital bills.    But nooooooo. If we were more stable financially, I would say go for it.  But what if he can’t get a tenant?  What if at some point this year there are major repairs needed?  Can we afford the mortgage on the townhouse and our house for an extended period of time?  He seems to think we can.  I am the CFO(chief financial officer) of this household, and I don’t see it.  But of course, when I point all of this out, I am “holding him back”, “not trusting him”, or my favorite “not having enough faith.”

And don’t get me started on my lack of help right now.  I blew up at C-Dub on Tuesday morning finally.  Do you know how hard it is to cook dinner and clean up with a 4 month old?  I managed to do both on Monday.  While thinking I had to go to work.  So, I went to bed when the baby did.    I had already cleaned up after myself when I cooked.  But the unofficial rule in our house is that if you cook, someone else will clean up afterwards. 

I came downstairs the next morning to all of my hard work still on the stove, spoiling.   His plate still on the counter.  With food still on it.  His shirt slung over the back of the couch, his socks on the floor.  To say I was livid was an understatement. 

But this is a regular occurence.  I am the cook, the maid, the accountant, the wet-nurse, the babysitter, and the whore at night when he wants sex.

So.  That’s my life right now.

And the boy is waking up.  My me time is over.

And so is this post.