Random Tuesday: A Saturday Evening at Work…

So, you guys know I work in Labor and Delivery right?  Well, sometimes, I can’t make this mess up, and I have to share

1. I worked triage all weekend at work, and it’s like watching Jerry Springer on crack.
2. 815 pm: Patient #1 comes screaming through the door in pain.  Turns out, she ate a steak, two double whoppers, a large onion ring, a large Coke, a few cookies, some milk and a slice of her granny’s pound cake all within the last 3 hours…….she just needed some Maalox.
3. 930 pm: Patient #2 comes strolling though the door talking on the phone talking about she’s in labor.  Calm. Easy Peasy.  5 minutes later, Baby Daddy comes through the door.  All hell breaks loose.  Now she’s rolling on the stretcher, breathing hard, crying moaning, talking about it huuuuuurrrrts. Naw baby, you’re cervix is closed.  Go home.  Get his attention doing something else.
4. 1015pm: Patient #3 is a frequent flyer.  Not in labor, just got some “discharge”. I can’t wait to see this one in labor. Her transvestite baby daddy always has me rolling on the floor laughing. He’s a cross between RuPaul and Wendy Williams…..yeeessss……
5. 1130pm:Patient #4 another with discharge. Verdict: you  have Trichomoniasis.  Her: What’s that? Me: a sexually transmitted disease.  Her: Oh…….. 5 minutes later I have to call security because she has jumped out of bed and is attacking the baby daddy with the IV pole at 6 months pregnant.  A part of me wanted to stand back and let it happen, but……must be professional.
6. 0145am: Patient #5 is a rule out labor.  Well, there’s a head coming out as she is trying to stand up….I guess she gets to stay.
7. 0230: Patient # 6 is an ER Drop in, no prenatal care at 32 weeks in labor.  We do all the normal labs plus a drug screen.  Yeah, um, cocaine and marijuana do not mix with pregnancy.  Might be what sent you into labor.
8. By this time it’s around 4 am, and I am just sitting down to pee and eat.
9. But low and behold at 615 am, here comes another one, screaming down the house.  “the baby is coming!!!!!” I check her and then shake my head. No baby, just a lot of poop that you need to give birth too.
10. It’s 723, time for me to clock out.  I’m tired, but of course, Little Pookah will be waiting for me to feed him when I get home.  Sigh.  That’s My Life……