The first due date

Today is June 18th, 2009.

The official due date of my first pregnancy.

You know, I had almost forgotten.  When I had my D&C, I erased or crossed out ever reference to this day.  I even bought a new calender.   I consciously erased what this day was supposed to be from my mind.  But earlier this week, I remembered.  I feel bad.

You see, I have been torn all day about how I should feel.  It wasn’t the first thing that popped into my mind today.  Really.  The first thing that popped in my mind was,

“Wow, 16 weeks 6 days today.  I wonder what my little boy is doing in there?”

I feel guilty that I haven’t thought of that unborn child up until today for a long time.  I feel guilty for being happy today of all days.  I feel guilty because I am not sad.

Oh, I am sad in a “what if?” kind of way, but not sad, crying, depressed like I thought I would be today.  Like I think I should  be today.

Is it because I am pregnant again?  Would I have been able to get though this day if I wasn’t? 

I don’t know the answers to my own questions. 

I have been going through this day like a normal day.  Worrying about being on time for work, worrying about the swelling in my legs and feet, worrying about bills to pay, wondering what’s going on in my belly right now.  Just a normal day.

I feel guilty for that.

Because I am deliriously happy today.  My life is “almost” perfect.  Life is good.  I feel so so so blessed.  I am having a baby boy.

Does that negate the other child that I carried for 10 weeks 6 days?  I don’t think so.  I still think of that child.  And I think of what might of been.  I still question myself , wondering if I did anything wrong.  Could I have done anything differently? Why? Why did it happen to me?  Why my baby?  I am still struggling with blind faith that God has a plan, so these questions will always be there, and will always be unanswered.  I will always wonder, what if?

But for today, I am celebrating one child while morning another.   Will it be the same on the next due date?  When I hold my little boy in my arms, will I be thinking about the other?  I don’t know.  Honestly I don’t.  All I can do for now, is live in the moment. 

And this moment is a happy one.  One filled with joy, expectation, fear, celebration, and love.