I admit to being slightly depressed.

I remember after my miscarriage, I felt this overwhelming despair.

I’m getting close to it now.

This happened when I sat down and actually calculated how much money we need every month vs how much we are actually going to have.

There is not enough.

We were still recovering from C-Dub’s 6 month layoff .   Things seemed like they were just turning around.  Finally, there was some extra money to buy stuff(baby stuff).

Now, there is no extra.   We don’t have a car seat.  He has three outfits.  He has a crib, but no sheets.  Pack and play.  same thing.  And three books.

Wow. 

But what really set me off I think was the news through the Facebook/text message grapevine:

The other two nurses who were laid off got 2 months severance pay.

And I only got one.

2 would have really helped.  Oh, it wouldn’t have solved anything, but you know.

I’ve been vacillating between being resigned to my circumstances and being a weeping wreck who tears up at the slightest thing.

Lots of sleeping, diarrhea, and lack of appetite.

C-Dub keeps telling me not to worry, stress isn’t good for the baby. 

He hasn’t been as active this week. sluggish almost.  I’ve still been doing my kick counts and he’s kicking 10 times in one hour like he’s supposed to.  But it worries me.  On top of everything else.

I think this has hit me really hard because for once in my life, everything was going absolutely perfect.  It was like the stars had all lined up and proclaimed:

“Yes, Rose’s Daughter deserves and will have complete happiness!”

This year was going to end so much better than last( C-Dub being laid off, my miscarriage).

But of course, all of this is crashing down now, like a stack of cards.

I’m sorry this post is so jumbled and rambling.  But I can’t seem to steady myself.  Me, the one who is usually the rock.  The  primary provider.  The strong one.

I’m out of my element/comfort zone.  And I don’t know what it will take to get me back there.