Evening thoughts

Sometimes, I think being a nurse( working in Labor and Delivery and in a RE’s office has forever skewed my view on life/pregnancy. 

Even though I have been in L&D for the last 10 years and have seen just how wrong things can go, I never thought of it in terms of  me.   I never thought anything could happen to me.  Come on, taking a year to get pregnant? Then miscarrying at 10 weeks 6 days?  What the hell?  All of this was stuff that happened to other people not me!  I’m healthy, I don’t smoke, do drugs, or drink excessively.  WTF?

I know the past has a big impact on us and that if we don’t learn from the past, we are doomed to repeat it.  But I did nothing wrong last time.  And I”m doing nothing wrong this time. But I still got shitted on.  I know everything happens for a reason, but for the life of me, I still don’t get the reason for my miscarriage.

But it did happen to me, and now I live with the consequences of it daily.  The fear, the unknown, the known, all mixed up with the joy, elation and excitement.

So anyway, I was writing this post at work, when I just decided to give in and go on over to ultrasound, hope they weren’t too busy, and beg to see The Boy.

Of course,(yes I can say that now) he was there, healthy, happy, and moving around.  I was right, the reason I can’t feel him the same is that he turned, and is now head down.  He’s kicking other areas besides my cervix.  We measured him, and he comes out to be 618 grams which equals 1 pound 8 oz.  He put his hand in his mouth, he yawned, he looked like he was trying to get his foot to his mouth.  At one point, it even looked like he was waving at me!  He always measures consistently 2 days ahead(which today was 24 weeks exactly,) moving my due date up to 11/25 instead of 11/27.  Not much really, but interesting.

So I feel better.

Until next time.

But the question still stands, why did I feel that way in the first place?  Why can’t I just bask in the glory of being pregnant like everyone else?  Why do I still feel like I can’t fully expand my lungs?  I don’t know if I will ever be a happy carefree pregnant girl. 

Probably not. 

 But maybe I’ll be one that can breathe easier as the weeks go by.