OK.  So I am over being mad.  Mostly.

Now I am just extremely disappointed.  I don’t know what to say or how to get past this.  I was reminded brutally of why I am MAD when I looked at the bills that needed to be paid between now my next paycheck: $962.34.  And then I looked at our bank account:$292.52.

And we still need gas, and groceries………….

You see why I am now upset again.  So, yesterday, after working last week, I got up and went to the hospital for a long extra 12 hour shift.  On a beautiful Saturday when I could have been in the bed, or to the park or anything else.  Instead, there I was, tired with my all day sickness in full effect.  I hate that job.  I was so looking forward to quitting.  In fact, I didn’t even plan to go yesterday.  But off I went, to be the primary breadwinner again.  And then, I had to make a call to my mother.  To borrow money.  I feel so ashamed.  I thought that I would never ever EVER have to ask my mother for money once I moved out of her house.  And I haven’t.  Not for 10 years.  That really really hurt my moral.  Badly.

And there he sits. 

I don’t know what to say to him.  I don’t know how to feel.  I am trying to understand, but me and mine just don’t.  I want to be sympathetic. I’ve tried to be empathetic.  It’s not working.  I am frustrated beyond belief that he has put us in this position.  You know, I never blamed him when he got laid off.  These things happen.    But now……if he doesn’t get this job on Tuesday because of his little issue, who knows when he might get another opportunity?  It took 4 months for this one.  Will we have to wait 4 more? Those unemployment checks will run out by then.

I don’t know what else to say.

I’m supposed to be happy DAMN IT!