Mourning Before Death

Can you mourn someone before they are dead?

Because yesterday, I realized that we are mourning my father.

My mother and I had a long talk and I realized that she finally understands what I , the doctors, nurses, and therapists have been trying to tell her for the last 3 months or so.

He is not going to get better.

She allowed the nursing service that comes out a few times a week to be changed to Hospice care.

She signed a DNR( do not resuscitate).

She realized that if it weren’t for the feeding tube that feeds him thorugh his stomach, he would not be here.

I sat with my Daddy yesterday and talked about simple things. Life, work, Pookah. I told a few jokes. Got a ghost of a smile.

And held his hand while I talked.

Do you know I can’t ever remember holding my Daddy’s hand? He was a hugger. Big great bear hugs.

When it was time to say goodbye, I leaned in and laid my head on his chest and said goodbye. And kissed him on his cheeks over and over.

I cried when I left his room because for some reason, it felt like I was saying goodbye.

I saw clearly in his sad tired eyes that he is ready to go.

The medical/nursing side of me understands that. I can talk about him clinically coldly and with no feeling when I need to. When I need to make my mother understand.

But in that room, with my head on his chest, I was just Daddys girl.

Mourning the loss before it has even happened.