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Mourning Before Death

flower macro photgography-17

Can you mourn someone before they are dead?

Because yesterday, I realized that we are mourning my father.

My mother and I had a long talk and I realized that she finally understands what I , the doctors, nurses, and therapists have been trying to tell her for the last 3 months or so.

He is not going to get better.

She allowed the nursing service that comes out a few times a week to be changed to Hospice care.

She signed a DNR( do not resuscitate).

She realized that if it weren’t for the feeding tube that feeds him thorugh his stomach, he would not be here.

I sat with my Daddy yesterday and talked about simple things. Life, work, Pookah. I told a few jokes. Got a ghost of a smile.

And held his hand while I talked.

Do you know I can’t ever remember holding my Daddy’s hand? He was a hugger. Big great bear hugs.

When it was time to say goodbye, I leaned in and laid my head on his chest and said goodbye. And kissed him on his cheeks over and over.

I cried when I left his room because for some reason, it felt like I was saying goodbye.

I saw clearly in his sad tired eyes that he is ready to go.

The medical/nursing side of me understands that. I can talk about him clinically coldly and with no feeling when I need to. When I need to make my mother understand.

But in that room, with my head on his chest, I was just Daddys girl.

Mourning the loss before it has even happened.




Thursday 6th of November 2014

I'm sorry to hear this but I definitely understand it. You'll be in thoughts and prayers.

Camesha | Mama Motivator

Monday 3rd of November 2014

I have goosebumps as I type this. I think about your dad often. I always want to ask about him but I stop myself because I feel like I would be all in your business. Crazy, since we're bloggers and we kinda put it out there anyway. My heart breaks for real. Just the word "hospice" makes it far too real. I'll be praying, my friend. Huge hugs to you.


Monday 3rd of November 2014

This sucks but I know it's life. Sending you hugs and love.


Sunday 2nd of November 2014

I know this feeling well....I lost my father five years ago. Prayers and hugs!


Sunday 2nd of November 2014

*sigh* I have went through losing a parent and when it's time for hopsice I know life will never be the same. The peace that I found was that there would be no more pain and that is a peace that I carry with me today. My prayers are with you.