Stream of Conciousness

Wednesday morning, around 3 am, my Dad got up to go to the bathroom, had a stroke, fell and had a seizure.

It’s taken me all week to process that its happened again.  That this is our new normal, waiting for it to happen again and not being so surprised when it does.  I went to see him last weekend, and he seemed. Fine. Not great,because well barely being able to talk and being dependent on others is not great,but for him, it’s his new normal.  But still. My mother was optimistic and was saying that he was better. he was improving.  I remember thinking, if this is improvement, I would hate to see what he was like before.  But she called EMS, they took him to the local hospital, where they declared him ok, wanted to increase his meds and sent him home within 2 hours.  My mother says she got him home, saw his hand still shaking and knew she couldn’t get him out of the car, up the  stairs and  into the house because he couldn’t walk and took him to the hospital in the city.  Where they promptly admitted him and did all the tests a hospital is supposed to do.  He will leave the hospital tomorrow and go to rehab again.  There is a part of me that is happy that he is in rehab again because frankly, once he leaves, he always refuses to continue at home. And he doesn’t improve. And I don’t’t understand why? Why is he OK with not getting better? Why is he ok with not improving? Why is he ok with being dependent on my mother and others to do basic things like shower?  I don’t know. I am sad that he will be in rehab for thanksgiving( hopefully he doesn’t talk them into letting him out like last time because they feel sorry for him).  But it’s where he needs to be.  I am sorry that I will be at the in laws for thanksgiving instead of with him( which is where i would rather be). I am sorry that this is happening to him.. Again.  Sigh. I hate this parents getting older thing. It just sucks.

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This was a stream of consciousness post. Set your timer for 5 minutes and just write. Then hit publish. Don’t correct it or anything. Just do it.