Our parents are getting older. I’ve known it for some time, dealing with my father and seeing all of their friends pass on or have their own health related illnesses. It hit home for CDub this week when his 84-year-old Dad was suddenly in the hospital due to a seizure and a blood clot. I could hear the worry in his voice and the uncertainty as I worked to reassure him and explain a few medical terms.
But once again, it reminds us that our parents are not immortal. They will not live forever. We will only have them for a few more years. Not the rest of our lives. I confess I’m nowhere near ready, but then what child is? I constantly stay on my mother to take care of herself and to not overdo it as the primary caregiver of my Dad. I know she sometimes wonders why I don’t get over excited about the ups and downs of my father’s health anymore, but the simple truth of it is: I have one healthy parent left. I don’t expect my father to last too much longer. In fact, I am constantly amazed that he is still with us. Is it wrong that I’ve prioritized her health over his? When he goes( and he will) she will be my only parent left. I prioritize her health because she will have to live on after him.
The selfish in me wants her to live a long time. I want to be able to call her every day and vent. I want to be able to wake up at her house and smell her homemade biscuits. I want to be enveloped into one her hard rocking hugs. I want her to pray for me without me asking. I want her to be my cheerleader. I want I want I want. I don’t want to find out anytime soon what life without all those little things would be like. I’m not ready. I have let go of my father, slowly and surely. I get brought back at random times, like when he said my name a few weeks ago. As a Daddy’s girl, it was always such a joy to hear him say Shawn Shawn with such joy and love. I so miss that, but in order to protect myself, I had to start letting go. But saying that, I’m not ready to let go of another parent.
And that is why right now, I prioritize one life over another.
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STOP.
This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
- Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
- Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. This is writing in the raw.
- Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
- JUST DO IT
kita
Monday 9th of November 2015
I have been to more funerals than weddings. My mother took me to many...I think she knew she was going to go away early because she kept telling me to not cry for her when she leaves she will be in a better place it's her that will cry for me with the problems of this world. I don't mind them going at an older age especially if they have lived their lives just keep them here long enough to see me through the middle ages.
Louida
Monday 9th of November 2015
I'm sorry girl, I know the pain because I lost my step-dad, he was only 52 years old. He raised me since I was 1 or 2 and when he passed away due to kidney failure in 2010, I felt like I couldn't live anymore. I went into a deep depression. But I had to think of it this way, he was no longer suffering, I may wanted him to live forever but the condition he was in it wouldn't be fair to him to continue to live that way.
Unfortunately, I do not have a relationship with my mother but I'm glad I have one with my biological father and his wife.
K. Elizabeth (YUMMommy)
Sunday 8th of November 2015
It's hard realizing that one day our parents won't be here. I've definitely prioritized my mom's health over my dads because I don't have a relationship with him. And it's hard for me to even fully wrap my mind around the fact that she's getting older and older. My siblings and I are constantly on her to take care of herself considering her parents passed away in their 60s and two of my aunts passed away in their early 50s.
While none of us know how much longer we have left on Earth, I do know that I'm committed to making the most of it and spending more time with my loved ones whenever possible. Prayers to you and your family.
Charlotte
Sunday 8th of November 2015
This hit home for so many reasons. My dad has been sick since 2007 and it is truly by God's grace that he is still here with us, and I'm constantly on my mother, making sure that she's taking care of herself, I don't want to imagine life without her, but I know that it will eventually be a reality, I pray that she lives long enough to see my daughters grow and for God's grace to keep her.
My father in love was admitted to the hospital last week, and it's been hard to deal with, and hard for my husband to deal with as well.
Thanks for sharing your feelings, I'm sure that many of us feel this very way. Prayers going up for you and yours !
xo
Nellie
Sunday 8th of November 2015
Oh Lashawn, I'm so sorry. I completely understand that you worry about your moms health because having to be a caregiver to your spouse must be the hardest thing. Stay strong and hold on to the awesome moments (like when he says your name) as tightly as you can. Big hugs.