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I admit to being slightly depressed.

I remember after my miscarriage, I felt this overwhelming despair.

I’m getting close to it now.

This happened when I sat down and actually calculated how much money we need every month vs how much we are actually going to have.

There is not enough.

We were still recovering from C-Dub’s 6 month layoff .   Things seemed like they were just turning around.  Finally, there was some extra money to buy stuff(baby stuff).

Now, there is no extra.   We don’t have a car seat.  He has three outfits.  He has a crib, but no sheets.  Pack and play.  same thing.  And three books.

Wow. 

But what really set me off I think was the news through the Facebook/text message grapevine:

The other two nurses who were laid off got 2 months severance pay.

And I only got one.

2 would have really helped.  Oh, it wouldn’t have solved anything, but you know.

I’ve been vacillating between being resigned to my circumstances and being a weeping wreck who tears up at the slightest thing.

Lots of sleeping, diarrhea, and lack of appetite.

C-Dub keeps telling me not to worry, stress isn’t good for the baby. 

He hasn’t been as active this week. sluggish almost.  I’ve still been doing my kick counts and he’s kicking 10 times in one hour like he’s supposed to.  But it worries me.  On top of everything else.

I think this has hit me really hard because for once in my life, everything was going absolutely perfect.  It was like the stars had all lined up and proclaimed:

“Yes, Rose’s Daughter deserves and will have complete happiness!”

This year was going to end so much better than last( C-Dub being laid off, my miscarriage).

But of course, all of this is crashing down now, like a stack of cards.

I’m sorry this post is so jumbled and rambling.  But I can’t seem to steady myself.  Me, the one who is usually the rock.  The  primary provider.  The strong one.

I’m out of my element/comfort zone.  And I don’t know what it will take to get me back there.

  • Reply
    Amy
    September 17, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    Here from LFCA…I would offer you the things my little one has outgrown…but I don’t think your little boy would like my little girl’s things! Hope things turn around for you!

  • Reply
    TheMrs
    September 17, 2009 at 3:22 pm

    It’s all going to work out, please try to stop stressing. I know that ‘s easier said than done, but it will all work according to His plan. Walk on faith MyFriend.
    *Big Hug MyFriend*

  • Reply
    TheMrs
    September 17, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    Oh and that’s some bullshit with you only getting a month of severance pay.

  • Reply
    B MoM
    September 17, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    trust, me, I too am (was) feeling overwhelmed with DH’s drop in pay, and my impending maternity leave (w/o pay!!) and how we’re going to pay for it all. But surprisingly things are just working out……I dont know how. You’ll get handmedowns. And baby really doesn’t need all the stuff we think baby does. Put your feelers out there to see what kind of handmedowns and stuff you can borrow – car seats, strollers, bassients, pack n plays, etc. There is also craigslist. Finally, it seems overwhelming, the money will come somewhere, somehow. (I know this is all easier said than done, but it will). Have faith in God. He’ll provide what you need.

  • Reply
    Jammie J.
    September 17, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Oh dear. I just want to offer you hugs. I care. xo

  • Reply
    Mrs.Captain
    September 17, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    Honey…I would Happily (seriously consider it) send you a car seat that we have. Baby K is just about out of her infant seat and we have a spare. I would send you the spare one. It is one that was given to us and we never used. It was used by one other baby. I had it checked by the local fire dept and it is totally safe and under 3 years old…

    If you would consider it, come to my blog and in my profile choose the contact me link ok?

    I also have all sorts of onesies and neutral PJ’s. We did not know what we were having and she was born in Feb…..

  • Reply
    becomingwhole
    September 17, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    (((hugs)))

  • Reply
    Nina
    September 18, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Definitely talk to an attorney about the nurses who got more severance pay than you did. You can even talk to him about being pregnant and being laid off. Even if you don’t get re-hired, they might settle with you out of court to avoid a lawsuit. Just a thought. I hate that you’re panicking. I totally know the feeling.

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