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Trying to Find My Way

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I’m tired.

Deep down in my bones, physically, mentally and emotionally  tired.

I thought, foolishly it seems, that once I got a REGULAR job like everyone else that my life would be easier. But the joke’s on me. And the answer is noooooo.

I can’t seem to find a rhythm. A routine.  I feel like I’m floundering or always struggling to catch up.  Things that I used to have time for( but thought I didn’t) like housework, naps, ME time…don’t exsist anymore. I find myself squeezing things into my Saturdays and Sundays which in turn leaves me no time to just…be.

I will say that my new job itself is not the problem.  It’s not even a 10th as stressful and as hard as working in Labor and Delivery for 12 hours a day, 3-4 days a week.  It’s getting used to( still after 4 months) working Monday through Friday.  It was easy when I was single. It was easy when It was just me and CDub. But with Pookah added into the mix…I’m just not keeping up.   And on top of the job changing my life around, dealing with the emotional stress of my father being sick and Pookah having multiple trips to the ER/Dr since January has just almost broken me.

It’s been stressful. More stressful than I like to admit.  I feel like every day, I run out of time. And that I can’t keep up. Can’t keep up with my house, with my husband, with my child, with the day to day operation of my life, with what new med is my father on now, with making sure my mother is taking care of herself, with photography, with my blog….you name it, it’s all fallen by the side of the road while I struggle to keep my head above the water.

I know that this too shall pass, and I know that eventually, I’ll look back on this time and laugh at how dramatic I was. How I thought that I would break under the pressure to get everything done and to be all of the things to everyone in my life.

But for now, while I’m in the thick of it, I can’t find the energy to laugh. I can’t even find the time to expand my lungs and breathe…..

This post was a bit of self indulgence for me.  Because I really don’t have the time to post that much anymore.  But I found a sliver of time at work, and just typed this up. So if there are spelling errors or something doesn’t make sense, forgive me. 🙂

Thanks for reading.

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  • Reply
    Krissy
    June 10, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    thing will get better, just be patient chicky
    Krissy recently posted..Wordless Wednesday :just me, my new specs and my natural hairMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jenni
    June 10, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    Before my “normal job”, I worked 2nd shift. From time to time I was placed on the normal shift, I was amazed at how the day went by and I only had time for work and home. Working this new “normal” shift job has been an adjustment. I’m grateful for my split shift and in at 12:30 days. However, I still haven’t perfected how to maximize my time on those days and I’m almost 2 years in.

    I said all of that to say. It takes time and the turmoils of life aren’t helpful in figuring out the new normal.

  • Reply
    Kita
    June 10, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    I wish jobs would give everyone half a day on Friday’s and you still get paid for the whole day as a gift…..but where they do that at. It’s a double edged sword I was talking with someone just today about her being jealous that I get to stay at home I told her yeah but I can’t shop, I can’t do anything for myself, and I am with kids 24 hrs a day 7 days a week. Its a sacrifice either way you lose something. I hope it gets better schedule what’s important first then the rest will either fall into place or you can come back to it at another time.

  • Reply
    Sherelle
    June 10, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    I can relate to the stresses of life, and how the constant changing can make you feel overwhelmed. I pray that things slow down for you and that peace and serenity let themselves in more often than not. Many blessings to you!
    Sherelle recently posted..Media Mondays: Courageous Women In Television And A Big AnnoucementMy Profile

  • Reply
    Nellie
    June 10, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    I completely understand, you need to make some room for me in your boat because honey 9-5 ain’t easy. Saturdays and Sunday FLY BY and Mondays catch me so off guard I don’t even know what to do with myself. I can’t promise it will get better but you will get into a somewhat manageable rhythm soon. When you get slivers of time, make sure you enjoy them, too.
    Nellie recently posted..Bloggy Boot Camp Charlotte + The Amazing Tips I LearnedMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mimi
    June 10, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Rhythm is so important yet so elusive. I know the stresses of having a sick parent and having to carry on. Give each day your best. Give your family your best, everything else can wait

  • Reply
    Quiana
    June 10, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    I agree about realizing that these periods are seasonal and I often have to remind myself of that when I go through rough patches, but in the midst of it?! Yes, it’s the worst. It actually inspired me to lead a small group via Skype through my church that starts tomorrow night reading the book “Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe.” I highly recommend it, and have found my eyes welling up with tears because of how spot-on it is. Also, I appreciate that the chapters are super-short acknowledging just how precious moms’ time is.
    Quiana recently posted..Weekend FlowMy Profile

  • Reply
    iiona
    June 11, 2013 at 8:53 am

    I’m not even working right now and I feel like this, I feel guilty about taking 10 minutes to just sit because there is laundry to be done, hair to be washed and braided (3 girls and myself), dinner to be made, floors to be washed… Anyways, I feel ya and I wish you much energy and an extra hour a day (or at least feel like there is an extra hour in the day…)

    Hugs 🙂

  • Reply
    Whitney
    June 11, 2013 at 11:40 am

    It took me a while to respond because I feel you on this one. I often wonder how the women we read about and see on TV do it. We feel we have to keep up or appear to be able to handle it all. The challenges we have, it’s a wonder some of us haven’t lost our complete mind. When you start to feel like this, stop and breathe, call your mom and talk to her, I bet the sound of her voice will brighten her day as well as yours. I talked to one of my oldest friends yesterday and we just vented, I didn’t try to fix her or she didn’t try to fix me, we just vented. When I get like this, I tend to stay to myself because I don’t want anyone saying I’m offending them. I explain to the girls that I’m just a little tired, they tell me they understand and give me my space. Hopefully by sharing, you’ll feel some relief knowing you aren’t in this alone. Stress is serious, don’t let it overwhelm you too much. We are here for you…
    Whitney recently posted..Emergency PreparednessMy Profile

  • Reply
    Cam | Bibs & Baubles
    June 11, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Ugh… I wish I didn’t feel your pain on the work stuff. Trying to be all things to everyone in your life is no joke. Add in baby boy’s allergies and your dad and you’ve got the perfect storm going on.

    You’ll get through it. I agree with Mimi. Give your family your best…
    Cam | Bibs & Baubles recently posted..No More Work Out Woes… HopefullyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Jessica
    June 12, 2013 at 6:28 am

    I wish I could say that I could take something off your plate, but I can’t. 🙁 For now, just do your best and try to focus on what matters. Indulge in your slivers of “me” time and remember to breathe. Things will settle in a bit and you will be able to look back at this with at smile at just how capable you are!

  • Reply
    KalleyC
    June 12, 2013 at 9:33 pm

    I am not working outside the home, but I feel your pain. Since moving, I’ve been feeling the same way you have. Like I don’t have time for anything anymore, “me” time has simply just disappeared, and honestly I feel guilty spending time on my laptop just to write a post or do something for me when I know there are tons of things that has to get done around here.

    Let’s not even talk about being the primary caregiver for an aging parent (you didn’t hear me say that). I want to say that things will get better, because they will, and I believe that they will. I want to say that you will find your rhythm, because you will and I know you will.

    But right now, we’re here for you until all that falls into place. Let it out, talk to us, and we’ll listen to you. Eventually, all this will pass, but until it does–we’re here for you.
    KalleyC recently posted..Wonderful Wednesday: Competition Among the SexesMy Profile

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