Letters to My Son June: Mommy Guilt

My Dearest Baby,

I’m sorry.  Mommy failed you on Saturday. It is my duty to protect you, to keep you safe.  I failed. You were having such a wonderful day!  We started of course with the strawberry patch that morning.  And you were excited that evening because we were on our way to a party that where you would see your friends, Micah and Miles.  And you were having a ball! Until I didn’t think and gave you a few party meatballs.  Forgetting, while talking and catching up with old friends, that some meatballs use wheat as a filler. And you my precious, are allergic to wheat.  It wasn’t until you started coughing and told me that you didn’t feel so well that I knew.  Luckily, we were surrounded by a house full of mothers who are also nurses who all quickly went into crisis mode to correct my mistake.  I’m sorry I had to give you the dreaded epi pen. And I’m sorry that you had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital.

When finally, the night was over and we arrived home exhausted, I held you while you went to sleep. Just that once, because you are a big boy and don’t need me to anymore.  But that night, I needed it.  As you were drifting off to sleep, I said, Mommy is so sorry I gave you the meatballs and that you got sick.  You lay your hand on my cheek and said: that’s OK Mommy, I’m alright.

And I cried. I cried because of the stress of the day, I cried because you were alright, and I cried because you still loved me the same, in spite of my wrongs.

Thank you.

Mommy.

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