Two weeks in………

Today, my precious pookah is 2 weeks old.

I find it hard to believe that I have been someone’s Momma for 2 weeks!

And while it has not been all roses, I am so in love with my little one.

It is hard for me to admit that it hasn’t been perfect.  For over two years, I have dreamed and plotted and planned to be a mother.  You would think that with all my planning, research, yearning, and anticipating, everything would be while not perfect, as close to it as it can get.

But that’s not reality.

I am trying not to let my jobless state intrude on this time, but I must.  It’s two weeks in, and I really need to go back to work in January.  This means I have to start the process of looking for, applying for and interviewing for jobs.  When my baby is just 2 weeks old.  It makes me almost physically ill to think of going to work and leaving my baby somewhere in a mere 4 weeks.  My parents have basically moved in and taken over.  On the one hand, I am so grateful for the selfless sacrifice of leaving their home and basically setting up shop at mine.  I mean, they buy all the groceries, they cook all the meals, they clean, they wash clothes, they hold the baby while I sleep, the give us money for half of the mortgage with the promise that they can give us the whole thing next month.

It’s enough to send me over the edge.

I can’t count how many times I have broken down and cried in the last two weeks.  In joy as I look down at CJ’s face, or watch C-Dub be the amazing father I only dreamed he would be; in gratitude for my parents, in frustration at my situation, and in despair as I prepare to go back to work.

But I can’t live off of my parents forever.  There is something SO wrong with that scenario.

Added later:

Since i started writing this post(about 4 hours ago) I have secured an interview with a recruiter at one of the hospitals here.  It’s a night-time position :(.  Part time or either PRN(as needed).  I will see what the pay is vs the commitment needed.  I’m trying to work as little as possible for as much money as I can.

(Sign).  This is so depressing.

I just want to stay home with my baby and not have to worry about this.