If you don’t know, I had a Laparoscopic Assisted Hysterectomy exactly two weeks ago.
And it’s been…hard. But not for the reasons you think.
Let’s go back a few days…..
On about day 5 post-surgery, I was going out of my mind.
I talk a lot about taking time for you. About how every Saturday, I try to take the day to do nothing so that I can recharge. About how I took my alone/rest/self-care weekend at the hotel.
About how we need to put our own oxygen masks on before we help someone else.
Well, evidently, I’m a fraud friends…
After 5 days of doing NOTHING.
Of having someone fix all my meals, having someone take over my life basically while I laid in bed all day….
I was going crazy.
The irony of getting what I want and being bored out of my mind when I got it is not lost on me.
I was sitting there trying to figure out what was my problem??? WHY am I resisting the rest?
A part of it was that I felt minimal pain, mainly discomfort and a whole lot of gas( more on my physical recovery later).
My husband is doing a great job. Really he is.
He is taking excellent care of me and Pookah. Stepping almost seamlessly into the role I created and do everyday.
I literally have to do nothing.
It’s every woman’s dream, right?
So why am I sitting here every day plotting my return?
Daydreaming about what I’m GOING to do. WISHING I could just get up and do all the things that I complain about doing daily?
Why do I feel like some type of failure because I’m RESTING after having major surgery?
This is really some twisted shit!
At 3 in the morning after another restless night ( because dammit, I’m in bed all day why would I be tired?)
It came to me why I’m having so much trouble:
It’s because I have to rest instead of choosing to do so.
My type A, control freak, enneagram 3 must be superwoman self, is being FORCED to sit her ass down and observe.
Spoiler alert: I don’t like it.
People are like:think of all the books you will read!
I’ve read 8 books and started 4 that are holding no interest.
Watch all the shows you missed!
I tried to binge watch all the shows and only got through 3 episodes of the Witcher, four of Emily in Paris, and 3 episodes of Moon Knight
I daydreamed, sat on the back patio, and walked around the yard slowly.
I wrote some sponsored stuff and tried to write some other blog posts because I have time and frankly failed because I have brain fog and my attention span is crap.
I started plotting summer vacations because it’s something to look forward to.
I made detailed workout plans for when I came back and plotted dietary options.
Still, I was frustrated.
Then Wednesday, after a particularly bad day for me, I was listening to something one of my friends said and it dawned on me that I will probably never have a full 6 weeks to rest again anytime soon.
I might never get the GIFT of not having to deal with wearing all the hats.
So I decided to try to reframe this as:
I get to rest instead of I have to rest.
Today is two weeks post surgery and my doctor told me I could drive short distances if I needed to. That I can walk up the stairs like once a day to get something. That I can scramble my own eggs and make a sandwich but nothing else.
No exercise other than walking around my yard.
No cooking big meals.
Basically, sit my ass down. And rest.
Repeat after me LaShawn: I get to rest…..